Retractable

I have always been open and honest with my daughters about boys and sex and love and all that goes along with that.

When Bunny was about 5 years old, she asked me where babies come from.

We sat down with a fairly-age-appropriate book, and I read and explained the pictures to her.

As they have grown, I have answered their questions, and listened to whatever they felt like sharing with me.

There have been times, of course, when it was just a bit too much information, but I listened anyway ('cause it's most likely been vice-versa, ya know).

I always wanted them to know that I am there for them, and that they can tell me anything or ask me anything, and I will always listen and answer with the truth.

I have very frequently said over the years, "If you don't really want to know, don't ask me!", so of course, they have adopted this stance with me, too.

They came to me when they thought it was time to buy a bra.

They came to me when they wanted advice about school dances.

They came to me when they got boyfriends (and Bunny cried and cried on my shoulder when her "first true love" broke up with her).

And they came to me when they thought it was time to go on the pill ('cause I'm ALL about protection! "No Glove, No Love" is frequently heard in our house.). I even buy condoms for them, 'cause I don't want any excuses.

A couple of weeks ago we went on a 4 hour drive to go visit my Mother, and on the ENTIRE trip, we (they) talked about sex the entire time!!!

(Did I mention the drive was FOUR hours?!)

So I suppose what happened the other night really shouldn't suprise me.

But I suppose I am still "shockable".

My 19-year-old daughter Bunny asked me if I'd like to go for a walk with her. No biggie. She just wanted company as she walked the dog.

We chatted about this and that as we strolled down the street.

Of course she, being a horn-dog like her father, began talking about her typical topic - sex.

I don't exactly remember how the conversation rolled around to this ('cause I was doing good to keep putting one foot in front of the other), but she proclaimed,

"I wish I had a penis! It would be so cool to have a penis. But I don't want a regular penis, or a strap-on. I want a Retractable Penis!"

Holy shit!

What?!

Apparently she wants a penis that she can use when she wants to, similar to a strap-on but it has feeling in it, yet be able to put it away (but not too far!) when she doesn't want to use it. (Sort of like a horse has, I guess.)

She still wants to have a pussy, she just wants a penis TOO!

Talk about having your cake and fucking it too. Damn!

I guess that's one of the problems with today's generation, isn't it? They just want every-damn-thing!

So, what's next? A semi-sex-change? How do you explain that one to a doctor? "Hey doc, do you think you could do me a REALLY big favor...?"

I'll leave it for another day to tell you about the things my 17-year-old tells me...

Like

Okay, don't get me wrong.

I love my life (on the majority of days).

I have been married to the (almost) perfect man for just over twenty-five years now, and we are STILL in love with each other.

I have two wonderful daughters (despite the fact that they are teen-agers), who STILL love me and BadBoy.

I have a dog who is smarter than most, and she actually listens to us (most of the time).

We (finally) have fenced in the backyard (after much begging from moi - for almost seventeen years! So you can see why this is a big deal, right?).

As the bumper stickers and t-shirts say,

"Life is good".

BUT

I abhor those blogs that are all sunshine and hearts and fluffy bunnies!!!

THIS blog is for me to vent, bitch, moan, whine, cuss, complain and etc.

This is NOT for fluffy bunnies and sunshine!

Oh, don't get me wrong. I will, on occasion, have sunshine.

But not on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis, if I don't feel like it.

It will be only on an "as-needed" basis.

And I will get raunchy and crass as necessary! So you have been warned.

I believe I've addressed this here once before, but this one is just for absolute clarification.

So...

Bitch, bitch, bitch!

Moan, groan, complain!

Whine, beg, curse!

Feel free to join me at any time! ;-)

"Misery" loves company, as they say. (Whoever "they" are.)

And know that I'll still love and respect you in the morning. ::smile::

Chocolate

Oh dayum!
Last night I dreamed I had a baby boy.
It was such a sweet dream. ::dreamy smile::

And then, I woke up this morning feeling all la la dreamy and remembering the sweet smell of my babies, when, suddenly

it struck me!

Oh Hellllll No.

I'm 40-what now, and I'd be 60-WHAT when he's 20?!?!

Oh Heyall No!

I've Been Running Around

... so to speak, anyway.

I've been wasting, umm, spending time reading blogs. Interesting blogs with followers with interesting names that lead me to other interesting blogs, with interestsing followers with...

You get the picture, right.

Anyway, all this to tell you about this title of a blog I stumbled across today (by http://www.scandaloushousewife.net/) that really has me thinking.

It's deep.

And I love it!

Are you ready?

Okay! Here goes:

"It would be a totally different world if semen tasted like Chocolate. "

No, really!
Think about it!

Women have the power because they have the pussy.
But if *cum* tasted like *Chocolate*... then *men* would have the power, don't you think?
Everything would be different!

Seriously!
Think about it...

It's deep.

Willie-Nillie

Amy over at Meh tagged me! ...sort-of

I say sort-of because I'm too lame for anyone to tag me for real.

And because I only have 2 (count 'em, two) followers. Yeah, that too.

Anyway, if you're reading this, (a) thank you, and (b) you should try it. :-)

I haven't blogged in so long that I thought maybe this would be the perfect thing to bring me back, so to speak.

The guidelines:

1. Respond and rework.

Answer the questions on your blog, replace one question you dislike with a question of your own invention; add a question of your own.

2. Tag eight other un-tagged people.

(Easy enough, right?)

What is your current obsession? Reading about gardening; veggies, herbs, composting, etc. I'm trying to get ready for planting, and I'm not sure what on earth I'm doing! (Help!)

Good fika place? (That would be coffee to us non-Swedes) Ummm... Not wild about coffee. Matter of fact, I don't really like coffee, so I just put lots of sugar and l-o-t-s of cream in it 'cause I sure do like the hyper-active buzz I get with it. :-)

Do you nap a lot? Almost never. I wake up waaay too grouchy if I nap.

Who was the last person you hugged? That would be BadBoy. :-)

What’s for dinner? Aaak! This is the most dreaded question of my every-day! I hate trying to figure out on a daily (or almost daily) basis what I'll be making for supper! But tonight is easy. BadBoy just rushed in, fixed himself a sandwich & chips, and rushed out on the way to an old-car meeting. Daughters are out, so I don't have to worry about supper tonight. La, lala, la la, la. :-)

What was the last thing you bought? Groceries. And lots of them. It had been a while since I last got them...

What are you listening to right now? The hum of the refrigerator.

What is your favourite weather? Sunny, slight breeze, warm (70s or 80s), blue sky with a few clouds swooshing here and there...

What’s on your bedside table? Ummm... Have to go check that...

A bunch of shit that's not mine: three books (two on finances), glasses and three glasses cases, a glass cat figurine, a fairy figurine, and, of course, DUST!

Say something to the person/s who tagged you: Hi Amy! :-) Thanks for the good idea.

If you could have a house, totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you want it to be? On the coast somewhere, like Italy/Sicily or France or Greece... or even California or Mexico... or basically any coast, I guess!

Favourite vacation spot? I don't really have one, but I guess it's just the beach, in general.

Name the things you can’t live without. Food, water, my family (especially BadBoy), and... love.

What would you like to have in your hands right now? A Long Island Iced Tea (alcohol version, of course) Winning lottery ticket would be nice, too.

What is your favourite tea flavour? Other than the afore-mentioned Long Island Iced, I really don't like tea. And I was born and raised in the South! I know. That's blasphemous, but it's true. And I'm all about the truth today.

What would you like to get rid of? Thirty pounds. The dust on my furniture. Things that bother me. Bad habits. Should I continue? (I'll take that as a "NO!")

What would you most like to change about yourself? (my question) My lack of ability to make plans. My obsession with crap on the computer. My inability to drop whatever trivial shit I'm doing when BadBoy calls ('cause he can totally do that for me, and he quite frequently does!).

What did you want to become as a child? A teacher. But I've kind of grown out of that. Teachers have to put up with waaaaaay too much bullshit nowadays.

What object can you look at, and smile, and feel yourself relaxing? (This is Amy's question) A baby. Especially a baby that's sleeping. Puppies. Kittens. My flowers that are blooming right now that I just planted this past Fall. BadBoy when he stares into my eyes with that look in his eyes. :-)

What are you reading right now? Umm... Duh. The computer.

Oh, what book? Oh. Well, I've been trying to read "The Shack". My Christian sister recommended it to me, and actually gave it to me. So I'm trying to be a good sister, and I'm trying to read it. It's okay so far.

What's your favourite brand of jeans? This question and the one below are really wasted on a person like me. I usually hate to shop for clothes. It's 'okay' to do it if one or both of my daughters are with me, but generally... Ugh. So, favorite jeans? Don't have them, except for whatever is in my drawer that fits.

What designer piece of clothing would you most like to own (new or vintage)? Ummm... Well... If I had to choose something... I guess it would be... a beautiful dress (or skirt & top) that fit me well and looked fabulous on me and I felt like a million bucks in! Oh, and that I didn't have to go to a store, into a dressing room to try on. :-) (Hey, I'm dreaming here anyway, right?)

Now, to comply with the other guideline:

I tag:

You! If you are reading this, please copy and paste and let me know you've done it, so I can go to your blog and read your answers.

And Amy, this obviously doesn't apply to you. :-)

But you probably already knew that.

And I'm probably being presumptuous in assuming that you'll even read this.

Sorry.

Okay. Anybody wanna give it a go?

I'm not gonna beg.

Do it or don't. Your choice. [grin]

Slut

I married a bad boy.

I didn't know he was a perverted bad boy when I married him.
Nope.
That "monster" sneaked slowly and stealthily into our bedroom. ::evil grin::

*You* know.
One evening it's, "How about if we try tying your wrists with these soft silk ties?"
A few weeks later it's, "What about if I tie this bandana over your eyes for a blindfold?"

Flash forward a few years, and he's dragging me to BDSM "meet-n-greets", buying wrist restraints and floggers, and parading me around naked with nothing on but heels and a collar!

Don't ask me how it happened. I guess I was noted a couple of times saying, "I'll try anything once!" What I thought was a totally innocent saying was actually an invitation to BadBoy. ::grin::

And, once you've invited like-minded individuals to your place to watch you flogging your wife, it's soon going to follow that there's a bit of light "swapping" going on, I guess.
If you're BadBoy, anyway.

All this just to work up to telling you that we went to the Swingers Club last night.


(I'll wait. I think you just dropped something.)


Yes, this is *one* reason I started writing as my Evil Twin Sister. ::grin::



We've been to the swingers club before, but it's been three and a half years since the last time.

But BadBoy has a birthday coming up, and our dear friend E suggested to me that *maaaybe* I would like to take BadBoy back to the club as a surprise...
For his upcoming b'day...
And maybe E and his girlfriend Y could go too...
You know, just to keep us company...

Hmmmmm.

I approached the subject with BadBoy, and of course he was all over it like a fly on shit!

So I spent the past two weeks discussing it with BadBoy.

"There will be *no* expectations, right?" I asked him.
"Oh, of course not! I think that was one of our problems before. I went there expecting us to get into something with somebody (read 'anybody'), so we always got disappointed," he said.

"I *don't* have to find some guy so you can watch me suck his dick, right?" I whined.
"No pressure, no expectations," he said.

And he was good to his word.

And we had a good time.


The very first time we went to the Swingers Club, I was scared to death!
The one hour car ride had my mind in a tizzy and my stomach doing sommersaults. The *entire* way there, I wanted to jump out of the car and *hitch hike* back home. I just knew that as soon as we walked in the door, there would be wall-to-wall naked bodies, rubbing and licking and fucking all over the place.


I'm very happy to report that my worries were completely unfounded. ::grin::


We got there and had to register and pay. (It seems hefty, but they have a continual buffet, mixers, a DJ, a pool, hot tubs, etc... Not to mention what they have upstairs!)
Then we had to take the "new people tour". That *felt* a bit like they were merely waving fresh meat in front of the rabid dogs, but nobody bothered us really.

There were no naked people anywhere when we did our tour. (We'd gotten there a bit early. Can you say "eager BadBoy"?)
Our "guide" comforted me by specifically letting me know that "women are really in charge here". Meaning they don't want any "hound-dogging" going on. Matter of fact, they only let a very *few* unaccompanied men in the place! If a guy approaches you, and you politely turn down his advances, and he offends or hassles you in any way, you merely need to let someone who works there know, and they'll put him out.

It's actually a very nice place to go if you're looking to have fun in a safe and "at ease" place.

Wow. I sound like I'm selling it...
But I don't really know who is reading this blog, or what kind of experiences you've had (or not), and I know there are a lot of misconceptions out there about swingers and swingers clubs.

Anyway.

We had a very good time.
We danced. A lot. It's been a looong time since we danced together. (3 1/2 years, to be exact. I know because BadBoy wrote it in his CrackBerry last time we were there, and what [who] we [i] did!)

I even danced with this cute couple. BadBoy had to pee and I didn't want to stop dancing, and E and Y were sitting at our table, so I just sashayed my butt over to this cute couple and proceeded to dance with them.

They didn't seem to mind.


BadBoy and I danced a lot. It's fun dancing with the man you love, and he can rub your breasts, and he can lift up your dress and feel your ass, and he can pull your top down just a bit and suckle on your nipple. It's FUN! It's especially fun because it's LEGAL and you don't get in trouble for it.

Matter of fact, it merely encourages others to try it too. ::grin:: (I mean with their own girl.)

After a *lot* of dancing, and a *little* wine, BadBoy asked if I wanted to go see what was happening upstairs.

Well, yeah!


Maybe I should explain "upstairs" for those not-in-the-know.

Upstairs there are a lot of rooms with a lot of beds, and porn playing in some rooms. There are private rooms you can go in and close the door (and lock it if you want). (And yes, they change the sheets after you come out.) There are also non-private rooms that have multiple places to sit and lie down.

This is where you can go to watch and be watched.

We went in one of the non-private rooms - "we" being BadBoy and me. E and Y had already gone upstairs before us, and they sort of disappeared in the masses, so to speak. After we went in the biggest room, we noticed E and Y on one of the beds, so we went over near them. I guess most people like being around somebody they already know. Well, it's magnified in this type of situation, I guess. ::grin::

E and Y were doing various stuff (she likes to change positions frequently), and I had BadBoy sit on an ottoman and I sat at his feet and proceeded to "blow his mind".

For the record, just let me say that I like to suck dick.

I know some women do not.
I feel sorry for them.
And for their men!

But I don't like to just suck on it so it will cum.
No.
I like to "worship" it!
I don't know what it is about it. I just like it.

Allow me to brag just a bit and tell you there have been many men who have told me, "Wow! I don't usually cum from a blow job!"

What can I say.

I should give classes. ::big evil grin::


One sort of strange thing: While I was sucking on BigBoy, a man who had been fucking some woman on the adjoining bed walked over and asked BigBoy, "Wanna trade?"
Thankfully BigBoy said, "Not right now man."

Whew! He passed that test! lol

Anyway, after I blew BadBoy's mind, he noticed the time.
And Cinderella had to get home!

We left without disturbing E and Y. They were beginning to sort-of play with the couple beside them. Looked hopeful. (She not only likes to switch positions a lot - Y also likes to switch *men* a lot!)

BadBoy will call E today to apologize for leaving without "goodbyes".

::Yawn:: I'm still sleepy.
Sleepy and happy. ::smile::

Virgin Blogger No More (Or Something Like That)

Just so you know, I'm using this blog to "be real" as they say.
Whoever "they" are... I don't know.

And I don't care.

I'm creating this because...
sometimes you need to rant and rave.
sometimes you need to bitch and moan.
sometimes you need to complain and criticize.
sometimes you need to cuss and fuss and *go off* on people a little bit.

So this will be my outlet for all of the above.

I have a blog that's my "nice" place. You know: How good life is. How much I love my husband. How blessed I am. How great my daughters are. Etc.

But *this* blog is for my other side.

You know, my not-so-nice side.
My complaining, bitching, whining, yelling, and otherwise "evil twin sister" place.
A place I can talk about people, life and sex in a context I don't use at a place like work.
A place I don't have to "put on my fuck face". (That's what I call it when my husband wants to have sex and I feel like it's really time to give him some, but for whatever reason I don't feel like it, but I do it anyway. I "put on my fuck face" and go in there and have fun, damn it! Whether I want to or not. I typically end up having a grand ol' time. It's just the getting started part that I can have a problem with... I'm odd like that.)

Anyway... I'm getting off track.

Yes, I've taken the wuss' way out by making a new e-mail address.
Live with it.


My first complaint?


WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!
I'm talking about alllll of you people who think the rules apply to "everybody else"!

I am sick and tired of driving with all of you who do NOT follow the rules of the road,
which by the way, people, are actually LAWS!!!

Why do you think it's suddenly okay for *you* to pass somebody on the right (when there *is* no right-hand lane) when they are trying to turn left, but they have to wait for the oncoming traffic. Do you think you are too *good* to wait? Do you think you are too *special* to wait? Do you think waiting is for everybody *else*?
Do you think you can park in that spot even though there's already *somebody else* waiting for it?!? Do you think no one will notice if you get in the other lane to jump in front of that car because you *think* it's going to be too *slow* for you?!?! Do you think it's *okay* to make up your *own* rules?!?!?
Well guess what:

YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE!!!!!

Develop a little patience, for god's sake!
Leave the house five minutes earlier!

I drive a lot for my job, and this is something that's on my mind daily.

But this "not-following-the-rules" thing applies to other situations as well:
* jumping in front of people in lines, instead of *waiting your turn* (something you *should* have learned in freakin' *Kindergarten*!)
* not holding the door open for someone when his or her hands are full
* not showing respect for your elders
* not making your house payment on that house you bought that *you couldn't afford but bought it anyway*!


And stop telling your goddamn children that they don't have to follow the rules either!!!!!


Jesus people!
Give it a rest!




And remember the "Golden Rule":

TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.

Write it down.
Repeat it three times.
Memorize it.
Say it every morning to yourself in the mirror.
Repeat daily.


i'm glad i got that off my chest.