Just to let you know how fucked-up my life is:
Case #1:
Apparently my sense of humor is so wack that...
Things I think are *hilarious* are just kind of "huh?" for everybody else. I cannot tell you how many times I'll say something and then proceed to laugh my ass off while those around me just sort of sit there looking like they don't even speak English. Or like, maybe, *I* don't!
This really bugs me. It can be sooo frustrating at times.
Other times I think it only adds to the funny, and I laugh even harder!
Screw 'em if they don't get the joke!
Case #2:
I am 46 years old, and I have a little sister, Z, who is 20 (only five months older than my daughter... which is fucked-up by itself). I hold Z up to my two daughters as an example of what *not* to do.
For instance...
I got a phone call from Z the other day. Here's how it went:
Me: "Hello?"
Z: "Evil, can you pee in a cup for me?"
Me: "Huh?"
Z: "I need you to pee in a cup for me!"
Me: "Whaa...?"
Z: "Yeah, Pat's girlfriend has a friend and she's supposed to take a piss test, and if she fails it she'll lose her kid."
Me: (Read quickly, 'cause I was talking fast, let me tell you! And start reading her response *while* you're reading my shit, 'cause that's pretty much how the conversation went at this point.) "Wait... What? Who's Pat? What the hell are you talking about? Who's this friend of a friend of..., and what did she do to maybe have her child taken away? How can you even *ask* me to do something like that?! I don't even know this person! I can't believe you would *ask* me this!! How can"
Z: (Obviously *not* listening to me, because she's talking to some one else while I'm blathering on,) "What? No, I know she'd pass it! Huh? Who? Oh. Okay. (to me) What Evil? Oh, whatever. Never mind. Somebody else is going to do it. We don't need you. Thanks, though. Love you, bye."
Me: "Wha?!?" (then to BadBoy) "What the HELL just happened?!?! (finally hung up phone) I CANNOT BELIEVE HER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT Z JUST DID?!?! OH *HAY'ULL* NO!!! Where's a notebook?! (digging through drawers) I'm gonna start writing down all this crazy shit she asks me to do! (still digging) Where's that notebook? Do you KNOW what she just asked me?!"
BadBoy (backing away): "Nooo..."
Me: "Oh my *god*, I'm so mad! (found notebook) I didn't even know how to respond to her! (found pen) I *should* have told her she's out of her mind! (shuffling through pages to find an empty one) And that I'm tired of her calling me only when she needs shit!!"
BadBoy: (just standing there looking. He's good. He's had a *bit* of practice at times like this. He just looks concerned and acts like he's listening, 'cause he knows from experience NOT to say ANYTHING!)
I explained the conversation to him (re-read the above, but more dramatically this time, if you want the full experience of the moment... or whatever)...
Anyway.
He helped me to calm down and he helped put things in perspective for me.
As usual.
I'm tellin' you,
he's good.
But I came away from it with just one *more* example of "what NOT to do" to tell my daughters.
Believe me, they know by now.
Actually?
(And I think here comes Case #3)
Now that I think about it, I don't think they even listen to me anymore. (Can you hear my ego being crushed?)
I think they just *look like* they're listening.
But I can't tell.
I need to go see the Wizard.
I need to get a Brain.
