Retractable

I have always been open and honest with my daughters about boys and sex and love and all that goes along with that.

When Bunny was about 5 years old, she asked me where babies come from.

We sat down with a fairly-age-appropriate book, and I read and explained the pictures to her.

As they have grown, I have answered their questions, and listened to whatever they felt like sharing with me.

There have been times, of course, when it was just a bit too much information, but I listened anyway ('cause it's most likely been vice-versa, ya know).

I always wanted them to know that I am there for them, and that they can tell me anything or ask me anything, and I will always listen and answer with the truth.

I have very frequently said over the years, "If you don't really want to know, don't ask me!", so of course, they have adopted this stance with me, too.

They came to me when they thought it was time to buy a bra.

They came to me when they wanted advice about school dances.

They came to me when they got boyfriends (and Bunny cried and cried on my shoulder when her "first true love" broke up with her).

And they came to me when they thought it was time to go on the pill ('cause I'm ALL about protection! "No Glove, No Love" is frequently heard in our house.). I even buy condoms for them, 'cause I don't want any excuses.

A couple of weeks ago we went on a 4 hour drive to go visit my Mother, and on the ENTIRE trip, we (they) talked about sex the entire time!!!

(Did I mention the drive was FOUR hours?!)

So I suppose what happened the other night really shouldn't suprise me.

But I suppose I am still "shockable".

My 19-year-old daughter Bunny asked me if I'd like to go for a walk with her. No biggie. She just wanted company as she walked the dog.

We chatted about this and that as we strolled down the street.

Of course she, being a horn-dog like her father, began talking about her typical topic - sex.

I don't exactly remember how the conversation rolled around to this ('cause I was doing good to keep putting one foot in front of the other), but she proclaimed,

"I wish I had a penis! It would be so cool to have a penis. But I don't want a regular penis, or a strap-on. I want a Retractable Penis!"

Holy shit!

What?!

Apparently she wants a penis that she can use when she wants to, similar to a strap-on but it has feeling in it, yet be able to put it away (but not too far!) when she doesn't want to use it. (Sort of like a horse has, I guess.)

She still wants to have a pussy, she just wants a penis TOO!

Talk about having your cake and fucking it too. Damn!

I guess that's one of the problems with today's generation, isn't it? They just want every-damn-thing!

So, what's next? A semi-sex-change? How do you explain that one to a doctor? "Hey doc, do you think you could do me a REALLY big favor...?"

I'll leave it for another day to tell you about the things my 17-year-old tells me...

Like

Okay, don't get me wrong.

I love my life (on the majority of days).

I have been married to the (almost) perfect man for just over twenty-five years now, and we are STILL in love with each other.

I have two wonderful daughters (despite the fact that they are teen-agers), who STILL love me and BadBoy.

I have a dog who is smarter than most, and she actually listens to us (most of the time).

We (finally) have fenced in the backyard (after much begging from moi - for almost seventeen years! So you can see why this is a big deal, right?).

As the bumper stickers and t-shirts say,

"Life is good".

BUT

I abhor those blogs that are all sunshine and hearts and fluffy bunnies!!!

THIS blog is for me to vent, bitch, moan, whine, cuss, complain and etc.

This is NOT for fluffy bunnies and sunshine!

Oh, don't get me wrong. I will, on occasion, have sunshine.

But not on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis, if I don't feel like it.

It will be only on an "as-needed" basis.

And I will get raunchy and crass as necessary! So you have been warned.

I believe I've addressed this here once before, but this one is just for absolute clarification.

So...

Bitch, bitch, bitch!

Moan, groan, complain!

Whine, beg, curse!

Feel free to join me at any time! ;-)

"Misery" loves company, as they say. (Whoever "they" are.)

And know that I'll still love and respect you in the morning. ::smile::

Chocolate

Oh dayum!
Last night I dreamed I had a baby boy.
It was such a sweet dream. ::dreamy smile::

And then, I woke up this morning feeling all la la dreamy and remembering the sweet smell of my babies, when, suddenly

it struck me!

Oh Hellllll No.

I'm 40-what now, and I'd be 60-WHAT when he's 20?!?!

Oh Heyall No!

I've Been Running Around

... so to speak, anyway.

I've been wasting, umm, spending time reading blogs. Interesting blogs with followers with interesting names that lead me to other interesting blogs, with interestsing followers with...

You get the picture, right.

Anyway, all this to tell you about this title of a blog I stumbled across today (by http://www.scandaloushousewife.net/) that really has me thinking.

It's deep.

And I love it!

Are you ready?

Okay! Here goes:

"It would be a totally different world if semen tasted like Chocolate. "

No, really!
Think about it!

Women have the power because they have the pussy.
But if *cum* tasted like *Chocolate*... then *men* would have the power, don't you think?
Everything would be different!

Seriously!
Think about it...

It's deep.

Willie-Nillie

Amy over at Meh tagged me! ...sort-of

I say sort-of because I'm too lame for anyone to tag me for real.

And because I only have 2 (count 'em, two) followers. Yeah, that too.

Anyway, if you're reading this, (a) thank you, and (b) you should try it. :-)

I haven't blogged in so long that I thought maybe this would be the perfect thing to bring me back, so to speak.

The guidelines:

1. Respond and rework.

Answer the questions on your blog, replace one question you dislike with a question of your own invention; add a question of your own.

2. Tag eight other un-tagged people.

(Easy enough, right?)

What is your current obsession? Reading about gardening; veggies, herbs, composting, etc. I'm trying to get ready for planting, and I'm not sure what on earth I'm doing! (Help!)

Good fika place? (That would be coffee to us non-Swedes) Ummm... Not wild about coffee. Matter of fact, I don't really like coffee, so I just put lots of sugar and l-o-t-s of cream in it 'cause I sure do like the hyper-active buzz I get with it. :-)

Do you nap a lot? Almost never. I wake up waaay too grouchy if I nap.

Who was the last person you hugged? That would be BadBoy. :-)

What’s for dinner? Aaak! This is the most dreaded question of my every-day! I hate trying to figure out on a daily (or almost daily) basis what I'll be making for supper! But tonight is easy. BadBoy just rushed in, fixed himself a sandwich & chips, and rushed out on the way to an old-car meeting. Daughters are out, so I don't have to worry about supper tonight. La, lala, la la, la. :-)

What was the last thing you bought? Groceries. And lots of them. It had been a while since I last got them...

What are you listening to right now? The hum of the refrigerator.

What is your favourite weather? Sunny, slight breeze, warm (70s or 80s), blue sky with a few clouds swooshing here and there...

What’s on your bedside table? Ummm... Have to go check that...

A bunch of shit that's not mine: three books (two on finances), glasses and three glasses cases, a glass cat figurine, a fairy figurine, and, of course, DUST!

Say something to the person/s who tagged you: Hi Amy! :-) Thanks for the good idea.

If you could have a house, totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you want it to be? On the coast somewhere, like Italy/Sicily or France or Greece... or even California or Mexico... or basically any coast, I guess!

Favourite vacation spot? I don't really have one, but I guess it's just the beach, in general.

Name the things you can’t live without. Food, water, my family (especially BadBoy), and... love.

What would you like to have in your hands right now? A Long Island Iced Tea (alcohol version, of course) Winning lottery ticket would be nice, too.

What is your favourite tea flavour? Other than the afore-mentioned Long Island Iced, I really don't like tea. And I was born and raised in the South! I know. That's blasphemous, but it's true. And I'm all about the truth today.

What would you like to get rid of? Thirty pounds. The dust on my furniture. Things that bother me. Bad habits. Should I continue? (I'll take that as a "NO!")

What would you most like to change about yourself? (my question) My lack of ability to make plans. My obsession with crap on the computer. My inability to drop whatever trivial shit I'm doing when BadBoy calls ('cause he can totally do that for me, and he quite frequently does!).

What did you want to become as a child? A teacher. But I've kind of grown out of that. Teachers have to put up with waaaaaay too much bullshit nowadays.

What object can you look at, and smile, and feel yourself relaxing? (This is Amy's question) A baby. Especially a baby that's sleeping. Puppies. Kittens. My flowers that are blooming right now that I just planted this past Fall. BadBoy when he stares into my eyes with that look in his eyes. :-)

What are you reading right now? Umm... Duh. The computer.

Oh, what book? Oh. Well, I've been trying to read "The Shack". My Christian sister recommended it to me, and actually gave it to me. So I'm trying to be a good sister, and I'm trying to read it. It's okay so far.

What's your favourite brand of jeans? This question and the one below are really wasted on a person like me. I usually hate to shop for clothes. It's 'okay' to do it if one or both of my daughters are with me, but generally... Ugh. So, favorite jeans? Don't have them, except for whatever is in my drawer that fits.

What designer piece of clothing would you most like to own (new or vintage)? Ummm... Well... If I had to choose something... I guess it would be... a beautiful dress (or skirt & top) that fit me well and looked fabulous on me and I felt like a million bucks in! Oh, and that I didn't have to go to a store, into a dressing room to try on. :-) (Hey, I'm dreaming here anyway, right?)

Now, to comply with the other guideline:

I tag:

You! If you are reading this, please copy and paste and let me know you've done it, so I can go to your blog and read your answers.

And Amy, this obviously doesn't apply to you. :-)

But you probably already knew that.

And I'm probably being presumptuous in assuming that you'll even read this.

Sorry.

Okay. Anybody wanna give it a go?

I'm not gonna beg.

Do it or don't. Your choice. [grin]